Benedict Cameron

This is how I felt when we came face to face

So I’ve known C since babyhood. We’d do normal kids stuff, like trick-or-treat on Halloween together, hold hands, beat the shit out of each other, play with train sets in his backyard–

I don’t remember much, but what I can tell you is he had a broad jaw and these massive blue eyes that sunk into his head a little bit; made you wanna poke your head closer to him to get a better look.

We parted ways I’m not sure when…One day we were babymates, the next he was a ghost in my 13 year old mind.

Now, I say 13 because that’s when it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen this weird handsome boy since…I couldn’t remember when. I became obsessed with finding him. I bugged my mother to search for emails she’d sent to his mother, the phone-book, old Christmas cards, A N Y T H I N G. Anyway, I was super dejected and actually recall crying in front of my eldest sister because I was so lonely (get a grip). Then my mom found a letter with the return address and I sent a letter right quick.

For two weeks I checked the mailbox everyday after walking home from school. I’d tell my friends about him, dream about him. After awhile I gave up, and then I got the letter.

He told me to add him on Kik (first red flag), a dinosaur of a messaging app, and there we were, messaging and such. He seemed really nice, and right off the bat wanted to have nicknames for each other (cringe). He wanted me to call him ‘Ace’ and he wanted to call me ‘Pebbles’ (what?). Of course I agreed, though. Now, as my young self, I had this terrible disease where I would check my phone every 10 seconds, reply right away, lie about my knowledge on certain subjects (aka Pokemon), and send double, triple, replies to him.

After a week and a half or so, our mothers agreed that we could all link up at the local bowling alley. Here’s where Benedict Cameron’s lesson comes in.

LESSON ONE:

DON’T LIE ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS TO IMPRESS SOMEONE.

Yeah… I… I don’t know. You may be confused, but let me tell you what I did, and ultimately how Benedict C went from ghost, to weird crush, to stranger.

We meet up at the bowling alley, he’s standing there with his mom and there’s my mom, and I come over…and after a week and a half of…consistently and constantly staring at my phone…waiting…when he’s standing right in front of me I don’t even look at him. After a full 10 minute conversation he says: “Hi.” Then I stupidly look at him as if I’ve just noticed him and I go, “Hi!”

I remember trying to accentuate my butt (I wore my best bootylicious jeans) and my awesome bowling skills (went into the side every time) because I said I loved bowling (I hated it). We went and got food later. He ordered a vegan burrito and the whole time had strings of lettuce hanging from his braces (hot).

This was also the moment when I discovered I had a thing for hands (no not a fetish, but something like that). He had really nice hands; with long, elegant fingers with a hint of young man.

Anyway, I never saw him again after that. After our initial meeting, I lied about what level my starter Pokemon was (level 173), and he said: “That’s impossible…unless you had a program like GameShark that allows you to hack the game…” or some nerdy quote like that.

I also barraged him with insecure messages when his power went out for a week and he lost power. He came back to see a lot of messages from me, and was like: “Whoa…chill…” and that was that.

I wonder what he’s doing these days…

Preface

So, I know there’s a lot of debate about whether people are born gay or not, and I don’t really care, but I know for a fact that before I was even out the womb, God said unto me: “You will love boys so much it will be a curse, you won’t be able to function socially, emotionally, or mentally for years–“

Joking.

Or am I?

I’ve been mackin’ on boys since Pre-K. I remember the first boy who ever told me he’d kiss me, and it was when we were looking at a great big sky-scraper while in the backseat of a car. He looked up at it, then to me, and said:

“If we were up there, I’d kiss you.” And I remember thinking, why don’t you just kiss me now?

Table of Contents

(of the boys who’ve taught me things) In Chronological order!

Benedict Cameron; Tree Boy; The Twins; P; The Russians; Monkey Boy (Aka Ex No.1); Cook; Taco; Ex. No.1 (phase 2); Ex. No.2; Snake; Ex. No.4; Ex. No.5; Ex. No. 6

Stay Tuned.

Here’s the Truth

I am a young Christian; I am inexperienced in the ways of adulthood and am sort of floating on the cloud of uncertainty while I still manage to find time to play Club Penguin and write a blog that no one is going to read.

My whole life it seems I’ve just been in one long relationship, ever since I can remember I’ve been hung up on a boy, and I’ve just recently become truly single and I’m really enjoying it!… I’m just very confused most of the time. Like, what am I supposed to do with all of this alone time, or, whoa I’m horny! Now what…?

I mean, I’m not completely useless. I have substance in my personality and character, but it just seems like now I am having to introduce myself…to myself…?; Because for so long, a large part of me was always being given to someone else. Now that I have myself to myself, it’s difficult to figure out what truly fits within my mental/emotional structure, and what is leftover debris from my previous relationship(s).

Anyway, it’s not all confusion. A lot of things have come to light, like: I’m not actually a partier, I just tried to be because Ex. No. 5 loved to control what I could/couldn’t do, who I could/couldn’t hangout with and naturally I rebelled. No.5 often liked to take up the role of an abusive parent. Oddly enough, we’re pretty tight now, and he comes to me for girl advice (I offered!).

I’m thinking of posting a sort of…story, if you will, about each Ex I’ve had and what I’ve learned from them. So maybe any girl who stumbles across this mess might learn something the easy way! BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Thoughts?

Here’s the sitch

I’m in a pickle and I need to get my thoughts out and a diary just isn’t cutting it. I appreciate commentary, critical or commentative. That’s just a risk of posting on the internet.

I think I am a little addicted to attention. I have a terrible habit of befriending my exes and then being too kind to them and then they take that kindness for “hey, this means I can get in your pants now,” or something like that.

Last night, I was hanging out with one of said exes. We’ll call him Ex No.1 because he was actually the first boyfriend I ever had. No.1 and I were getting along really well recently, and on a whim I asked him if he wanted to go and grab food. He agreed and we got together. Everything was fine and dandy in the ripe hour of 2AM and we drove around and whatever, normal hanging out stuff, then when I go to drop him off, he tries to kiss me;

Now, I thoroughly believe that the feeling of rejecting someone is just as bad as the feeling of being rejected. I rejected No. 1 so hard, and SO awkwardly, that I feel chest pain even thinking about it.

He’s not a bad dude, in fact, I think he’s really cool. Well, beside the fact that he looked at me like I was crazy when I said: “No. 1, what’re you doing? No, stop, why are you trying to kiss me?”

I’m really upset, because I was excited to have him as a friend after all of these years. Yes, YEARS. We hadn’t hung out in years, and this happens. I have a feeling he’s not going to want to be my friend anymore, and it sucks, because I’m lacking those as of late.

Anyway, that’s the pickle, and it tastes oh so sour!